just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
