I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
sex in a hospital.. check
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
