her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
