Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES