oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
