is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
