So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
