My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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