how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
