I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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