Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
