i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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