we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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