I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN