I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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