just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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