Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
