I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
