I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
