The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
