He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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