last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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