He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
