omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
