Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
