So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
