I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
