There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
3 2 1 whiskey
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
