I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
