All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
