stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
