I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
