Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN