I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
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Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?