Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
