I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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