I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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