I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize