i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
