i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
