I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
