there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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