I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
