I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
