I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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