I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
