i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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