So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
