:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
