Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
