So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
