I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have aggressive nipples.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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