Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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