my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
