im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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