dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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