i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
